People Who Mispronounce Words & Names Should Not Read The News

I wish I had something to go off that title for you. As it stands, it's just my frustrations shining through into the blog. Don't mind me. Carry on. Hey, welcome back to the festivities. Sorry this week's installment is a day late. I spent the weekend with my dad and grandpa in a "Three Generations Of The Guys" weekend. I'm sure I'll write about it in a book someday, but I'll tell you one of the more surprising moments was the Dr. Pepper stain in my new car. Yes, I'm more willing to forgive my grandpa for spilling Dr. Pepper in the car than my cat for puking on my couch...because at least I know my grandpa will try to be more careful in the future. My cat? Just stares at me. So this week's post will be brief because I have mostly nothing. I did, however, see an interesting interview quote with actress Kristen Stewart. In case you're not in the know, let me catch you up: she's the chick from Twilight who dated her vampire co-star in real life. Then, when she was shooting another movie, she was caught on paparazzi cam canoodling (word of the day) with her director, who's married. So the recent news stories have been of Stewart's boyfriend moving out of their home, then possibly making up. Now, let's move forward to an interview with Stewart about her new movie "On The Road." I want you to keep all of the previous information in mind as you read Stewart's quote to MTV about her new director: "He puts so much inside of you." PLEASE tell me that's a misquote. That's all I got. Now I'm going to look at topless pictures of Kate Middleton and Allison Pill from HBO's The Newsroom. -B-

"These Police Have Grenade Launchers...And All I Have Is This Stuffed Dinosaur!"

Shit you not, that is a quote from one of the PUSSIEST protesters I have ever seen. He and others were trying to get their message of...um...well, there was...huh...well, apparently it was important and very memorable. I'm so glad they took the time to protest at 10pm weeknights during the DNC in Charlotte this week. Because, hey, they just want their voices heard. And they want a shower. Perhaps several. And a place to stay. Since they bought one-way tickets to Charlotte with no apparent way to get home. I'm still not quite sure what the thinking was behind that. They bought ONE-WAY tickets to Charlotte to protest the DNC. How long did they think the DNC was? It's only a three-day convention! Dear protesters, perhaps your lack of foresight and planning is NOT a problem caused by politicians. Love, Blaine. PS: No, you can't stay in my apartment. But you CAN take my cat with you. So, if you turned on TV at all this week, you should not be surprised to hear the Democratic National Convention was held this week. In fact, as The Soup (on E!) pointed out, Bill Clinton's speech was scheduled for the same time block as "Here Comes Honey Goo-Goo Clusters"...are you SURE that's not the name? It does appear that the child eats a LOT. And she had better appease her mom daily, as it appears the punishment for children in that family who misbehave is to be EATEN by their mother. "I pushed you out of my belly, and by God, I can put you back in there!" (by the way, interesting side note, I actually came up with "Honey Goo-Goo Clusters" in a dream last night. Yes, even when I'm ASLEEP, I'm thinking of ways to entertain you.) Anyway, kudos to Charlotte for pulling off the giant pain in the ass that is known as the DNC. Police didn't shoot any a-hole protesters, and there were quite a few who seemed to just want to piss off the police. I think it says something about the quality of the protesters when they hold a march and their rally cry is "1-2-3, fuck the police...4-5-6, fuck the police." What, you couldn't even make it rhyme? Where's the effort? Oh, wait, if they were to actually exercise EFFORT, they would be EMPLOYED. And thus not have the time to camp out in a park for a week. As I've documented pretty well, The Daily Show also broadcast from Charlotte during the DNC. I'm sad to say they did not hire me on the spot. But that's mostly because my 12-hour, uncompensated work days left me too exhausted to go job hunting with Jon Stewart. But during the DNC, The Daily Show came up with my new favorite segment...

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Also, thanks to The Daily Show for showing me that Seinfeld's "Newman," Wayne Knight, was also at the convention. I'm glad he could take time away from his busy schedule of shooting Jurassic Park 4 and Space Jam 2. (Actually, I hear at least ONE of those movies might actually exist soon...) But, hey, you know me. I love me some local media too. Let's start with another protest... this time in Dallas. A woman somehow got into the ABC station's studio, then laid down and refused to leave (somebody in security's gettin' fiiiiiirrrrrrrrrred...). So the station did what any good station would do: turned it into the top story. Come to find out, the whole thing was a terrible misunderstanding. Honey Boo-Boo's mom stopped by for an interview, bent over to pick up a cracker crumb (that turned out to be a rock...she ate it anyway) and exerted herself so much she had to sit down. That was followed by the realization that she couldn't sit down without something propping up her back, so she laid down and couldn't get back up. Everything's bigger in Texas. Watch all of the emergency personnel it took to hoist her off the floor. Go ahead, watch it again. I'll wait. I hope that station's security department picks up a new security device...a forklift. Some sad news this week...actor Michael Clarke Duncan died this week after suffering a heart attack back in July. It would appear one TV station has never seen "The Green Mile," however, as THIS is the shot they aired during the story:

Yeah...no. That's the singer Seal. Who says his ex-wife Heidi Klum is "fornicating with the help." That's not Michael Clarke Duncan, the OTHER BALD BLACK GUY in the news this week. To its credit, the station offered an apology on its FACEBOOK page that went like this: Yep; our bad; we own it. A careless editing error at the end of the Michael Clarke Duncan story in our 11pm news. Two entertainment stories accidentally merged into one video clip. Sincere apologies. The evening anchor also went on air to turn shit into shitty lemonade by saying “One of our core values here at 2 On Your Side, of course, is transparency for you, the viewer. Not only in the way we tell you stories, but also when we make a mistake. We own up to it. It was our bad.” Wait, what?? Since when does "our bad" qualify as an apology? Or even something that should be spoken aloud on a professional newscast? Well, I guess it'll have to do. I wouldn't mind, though, seeing the people who made the error show up on TV and apologize for "fornicating with the newscast." Y'know, I complain a lot about the quality of people who work in local (and oft-times national) news, but I'm human too. We all make errors and it seems like more of them just happen to be made on air nowadays. It happens. These are just mistakes. HOWEVER, what I CAN'T forgive is when someone does something CLEARLY unprofessional on TV, whether it be local or national. That's why Fox News drives me crazy. That's why MSNBC at times drives me crazy. And that's why THIS clip from my local Fox affiliate drives me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS. There are certain places you don't ask for a job: holidays with the in-laws, when your boss introduces you to a colleague at a different company, etc. But this is CLEARLY when you don't want to do it, even if it IS somewhat tongue-in-cheek: Really dude? You specifically gave him something big enough that he couldn't just throw away on his way out the door??? That's Anderson Fucking Cooper! And while I appreciate that you've probably only ever seen him on his ridiculous talk show or with Kathy Griffin on New Year's Eve, he is more of a journalist than you will ever be! He's covered wars and conflicts...he's taken his OWN CAMERA into war zones to post videos online that he wasn't convinced anyone would be watching! THAT'S a job interview! Handing him a giant card with your face on it...that's just a douchey move. That said...Jon Stewart, if you have an opening on your writing staff, could you take me back to New York with you? -B-

Bring On The Invisible DNC!

I'm pumped...I'm all stocked up on hard liquor so I can start my alcoholism this week as I deal with the Democratic National Convention. Extended work hours without extra pay? I wonder what invisible President Obama would say about that... Before I start our special coverage of the Republican National Convention, let's get to some breaking news... I hope he gets a medal of honor from police for his bravery in "Just Standing There Doing Nothing While A Suspect Runs By." If it's any consolation, the suspect wasn't a killer or anything. He just started running during a routine traffic stop. I would've liked to see that reporter cover Hurricane Isaac: "Well, we're here in Louisiana and WOW! LOOK AT THAT HUGE TIDAL WAVE! It looks like it's going to...yep, it wiped out that crowd of people that I could have yelled at to warn them, but I was doing other things. And now I'm off to the nearest Starbucks. Reporting live from Louisiana..." Alright, now for the main event. The "mystery speaker" set up for the final night of the RNC. And you knew it HAD to be someone big because the speech was set up for the same night as Mitt Romney's acceptance speech. Oh, it was big, all right. HUGE. A big...look at the problem of giving America's elderly proper mental care... Now, you're probably in one of two camps watching that speech: 1. Does this mean Clint Eastwood is trying to promote his new film, "A Fistful of...HOLY SHIT, SOMEONE ELSE'S HAND IS ATTACHED TO MY WRIST...No, Wait, It's Just Mine"? or 2. "And now, for the portion of the convention for what republicans refer to as 'comedy'..." Seriously, it's a wonder Clint Eastwood didn't violently turn into Gary Busey during that speech... (Side note: whoever set up the Invisible Obama account on Twitter is a genius, and I'm not one to put the words "Twitter" and "genius" together. As of this posting, the account has more than 66,000 followers in just three days. Today's highlights include "Groupons > Medicare vouchers." Y'know, Invisible Obama is more interesting than Romney. I think a "Obama vs. Invisible Obama" presidential race would be VERY tight...) But it got me to thinking...what if the whole speech was just a very subtle commercial? Specifically, a commercial for IKEA? And then I got in the mood of watching network news coverage to try to find a new chair. Let's see what Piers Morgan of CNN can offer me... Meh. It's okay, but I really want a chair that can take the hard-hitting questions I have when I get home after a long day of work. Questions like "Why aren't the dishes clean" or "Whose cologne is that I smell on you?? Are you cheating on me??? Is someone ELSE sitting on your face????" How about it, MSNBC? Do you have anything available in THAT model? AWESOME! I'll take 1. Just 1. I don't need 2 of them sitting around, talking behind my back when I'm not around... But of course, where would be the fun in the RNC without The Daily Show?

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(Also, Mr. Eastwood, I don't think it's Invisible Obama telling you to shut up. I think it's the RNC organizers backstage.)

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Finally, in non-convention-related news, if you saw the moon turn blood-red this week, you know Snooki had her baby. She named it after the only names she could think of: Margarita Jack. I'm concerned for that baby on MANY levels, not the least of which is how Snooki will support it now that Jersey Shore has been canceled. FINALLY! "The Real Housewives" finally "fitted the competition for some cement shoes." Now then, as I said before, bring on the DNC...and may it end quickly and painlessly. -B-

What Exactly IS A "Shawty"?

Ohhh...it's a SHORTY. Now I understand. Well, in that case, this week's blog is probably gonna be a "shawty." Let's see, what do we have in the news...Mitt Romney makes a "Obama's birth certificate is fake joke"? Nah, been there, done that. Guy shoots and kills people in downtown New York City? Please...have you SEEN New York City? Terrorists don't kill people...disgruntled ex-employees with guns kill people. Two weeks of political conventions start this week? Meh. I'll already be dealing with that shit at work. I don't need to put up with it here in my playground... Oh, here's one: it was a bad week for the Armstrong family. Neil Armstrong...y'know, the first man on the moon?...passed away. Actually, I didn't realize he was still alive. He's been overshadowed so many times by Buzz Aldrin's appearance on "Dancing with the Meh." But Neil Armstrong was a pioneer. I mean, look at how many people we send to the moon and beyond now. NASA has so many more missions planned...what? Financial problems? At a place that builds giant fucking space shuttles and sends people into space for next-to-no-apparent reason? Huh. Okay, scrub that. NASA is trying to load astronauts in other countries' shuttles and the agency is also launching robotic rovers to other planets...which, if you think about it, was probably the more fiscally-beneficial idea. Should've started that one sooner...like, say, BEFORE the Challenger blew up. It's also probably a lot cheaper to fill out "piece of robotic equipment being launched into outer space" on the insurance forms than "living, breathing (for now) human getting launched into outer space." Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his Tour de France wins because he gave up fighting the accusations of doping against him. I would like to think it's because he couldn't keep affording the attorneys and scientists who might have been able to prove he wasn't riding his bike on "roid rage." But we'll never know. So I guess we STOP referring to it as the "Tour de Lance" now? And, finally, Stretch Armstrong found out his gift of stretching and contorting his body in hundreds of different ways...was actually a warning sign of a very serious form of cancer. When asked why he didn't immediately go to a doctor when he first started stretching, Armstrong replied, "Y'know, I was young and stupid. And I OBVIOUSLY wasn't going to give up something that allowed me to grab a woman's ass from clear on the other side of Starbucks..." Ah, Stretch Armstrong...the only toy that makes men grab their balls in pain. ...aaaaand I'm being told none of these Armstrongs are actually related. Well, at least that answers why Neil Armstrong didn't just STRETCH his way to the moon. -B-

Y'know What I Like? Cake.

Y'know what I don't like? When my cat throws up on my BRAND NEW COUCH. Would anyone be interested in a slightly used feline? Can also be shaved for purposes of making a hat... Well, we're getting into the thick of it, people. Next week is the Republican National Convention in Tampa, then a week after that, the unwashed masses of protesters storm Charlotte. I mean nothing by that other than the protesters will find it difficult to locate a public shower near the Democratic National Convention. So let's see how the campaigns are doing...with Joe Biden on the trail and Fox News bringing in keynote speakers for the republicans, including Sarah Palin...

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(I will tell you, someday, Fox News will offer me a ludicrously high salary and great job...and then someone will Google my name and find this blog. And then I will be unemployed. Side note: I was checking out what programs and devices you amazing people are using to read this blog, and I found one person found us using a PLAYSTATION PORTABLE! Outstanding! Thinking Hard...Proud To Be "Nerdy By Nature.") I seriously can't believe Palin is still around. Didn't we at some point say we don't give a shit about her opinion anymore? Wasn't it after she couldn't name a single magazine and called herself a victim of "gotcha journalism"? Didn't that happen just a short while after we heard "Hi, my name is Sarah Palin, and I've just been introduced as John McCain's running mate"? Anyway, The Daily Show is going to be in Tampa for the RNC...and then Charlotte for the DNC, where I'll be making my last-minute push to be hired. I'm thinking if I duct-taped and super-glued myself to the set, they wouldn't be able to get rid of me... As I stock up on glue and tape, here's what the Daily Show gang is doing to get ready for the big conventions:

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Hard News - Inside Correspondent Training Camp
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I'll watch that. What else is there? "Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo"? -B-

Really? That's The Running Mate You're Going With?

It's the changing of the season, Hard Thinkers. We've gone from Olympic-palooza to Lolla-Politic-a. The summer games officially end today. And to mark the occasion, Mitt Romney named his running mate yesterday. It's Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan. You might know him as the really young looking guy in Congress who won't stop bitching about President Obama's policies. So, y'know, there's that. Plus side: at least we don't have another Sarah Palin VP candidate on our hands. Remember that chick? She was so DUMB... Anyway, yes, the Olympics are drawing to a close. And you know who's paying the price for the coverage? People working on late newscasts at NBC affiliates. The coverage has been going into the wee morning hours since it's scheduled to go until NBC gets bored and decides to let the affiliates do their thing. I'm sure some of the affiliates are bummed about having to stay late, but you, as a viewer, rarely hear about it...until now: Y'know, with the state of sports being cut on many local newscasts, that guy really ought to stop bitching and be glad he's getting a paycheck. Otherwise, his elderly butt would have been in bed 8 hours ago. Wait, maybe THAT'S why he's so cranky... Speaking of cranky, let's talk babies. More specifically, let's talk the number of people who can't help putting their babies' security at risk by posting photos of EVERY SINGLE THING their children do on Facebook, Twitter, Twitbook, etc. For those of you who are sick of it, might I recommend an awesome new app for your computers (essentially, for the Google Chrome browser) called unbaby.me. The app will remove all (or at least MOST...this IS technology we're talking about) the baby pictures that come up in your browser and replace them with something AWESOME, like bacon or sloths. You pick it. Actually, if I could see a picture of a baby wrapped in bacon, I'd be okay with it. And now, this week's moment of "Why Reporters and Photographers Deserve Hazard Pay"... What? Those greasy fuckers assaulted someone trying to show their shady business practices? I'm SHOCKED. Also: thanks for living up to your stereotype, guys. Greatest PR idea of the week: free vibrators. Trojan (y'know, the condom folks) set up HOT DOG CARTS in New York City this week to give out 10,000 free vibrators (that woman is going to be VERY happy...oh, wait, I'm being told it was only 5 to a customer...). That is, until New York City stopped the party. One quote I read this week went something like "Mayor Bloomberg doesn't want us to have large soft drinks, he doesn't want us to have vibrators, he wants to take away our fun." Or something close to that. So, for our new sponsor, Trojan, here's the AD for the VIBRATORS (I can't believe this is really a thing)... And now, perhaps one of my favorite moments from the Olympics. It's from the basketball competition, where it appears players from foreign countries are just plain SICK of losing to Carmelo Anthony and the rest of Team USA: A reminder to players...you must now protect THREE BALLS while you play on the court. Also, speaking of taking shots at the junk...

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Dick's Sporting Wood
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And I saved some of the best clips for last. Of course you remember the Chick-Fil-A debacle. Well, this is a good reminder that every asshole has an opinion, and assholes and the internet DON'T mix:

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Fast Feud Nation - Chick-fil-A & Social Media
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Fast Feud Nation - Jankin' It With Cameron Jankowski
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Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to enjoy my nachos...with homemade white cheese sauce. Want some? -B-

Thinking Hard: Ryan Lochte's Latest One-Night Stand

I don't know if you heard about the interview with USA Olympic gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte's mom, but she said he basically has no time for dating, so he's usually more involved with one-night stands. In a separate interview, Lochte admits to sleeping in the nude and having sex with the lights on. This has been another moment of "Too Much The Media Tells Me About People." Hey, before we dive in today, any video gamers out there? I know a lot of the Hard Thinkers out there are familiar with pop tech culture through the past 20-30 years, so when I say "Sega Genesis," you probably recognize it as the home console that competed with the first Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). I was an NES owner and loved me some Super Mario, but Sonic the Hedgehog and other Sega games always intrigued me, especially since the NES controller had only two red buttons on it...and Sega added a third. Sadly, none of that matters when you hook up SHOCK COLLARS to the system!: That was done by a couple of French hackers, who will probably go on to use the technology to *ahem* MOTIVATE the French olympians who don't win a gold medal this year. Speaking of the Olympics, have you heard of badminton? Yeah, me neither. But I watched the game and it's a lot like indoor tennis/volleyball/shuttlecocking. Anywho, four different teams of 2 women have been DISQUALIFIED from the badminton games because they were cheating. And when I say cheating, I don't mean "doping." I mean "pretending to play very badly." Yes, the women forced themselves to stumble around and make errors so they could draw weaker opponents later in the games. Ah, so that's what Joe Biden is doing...lulling VP opponents into false senses of security. Or he's just an airhead. Whatev. Speaking of politics, Bristol Palin's short-lived reality show was only a precursor of MORE pain and agony from having to watch that dimwit on national TV. This week, ABC announced its "All-Stars" for the next season of Dancing with the "Stars," and Bristol Palin again made the list. Some day, SOMEONE will realize that having a Palin on television is comedy gold...but mostly from the people laughing AT the family. Hey, did you eat at Chick-fellatio this week?

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Fast Feud Nation
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Fast Feud Nation - Chik-fil-A Appreciation Day
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Y'know, what really makes me angry in all this is that it makes the news. I'll admit, I'm as guilty as any other news outlet. But neither side of this argument really matters in the grand scheme. Nor do people who email TV stations, accusing them of not running the story, when, in fact, the station is running the story every thirty minutes. People are dumb. Let's take a break from this ridiculousness to spend a little time with goats: Hey, just in, the US just won gold in EVERYTHING at the Olympics...wait, should I have said "Spoiler Alert"?...

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Spoiler Alert
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Actually, funny that the Daily Show addressed this because the web producer for the NBC station in Spokane, Washington, wrote on a blog that viewers who complained about spoilers being shown are "whiners." Love it. The Olympics, sadly, are news. Don't want to know what happened at the games? Does that supercede everything else in your life? Then stop watching news for two weeks. Because it's going to be on your TV, whether you piss and moan or not. Because random shit shows up on TV. All the time. If I were to tell you that comedian Zach Galifianakis did a competent job at weathercasting, you'd tell me to fuck right off. But this is the kind of random shit that shows up on TV...right before Will Ferrell ruins the Olympics: Side note: Mr. Ferrell and Mr. Galifianakis, you're welcome to come do weather and news at Thinking Hard anytime. Also, go see "The Campaign" in theaters, opening later this month (free plugs can be used as bribes). -B-